Since arriving in New York eight months ago, I've encountered so many successful, smart, single women, who are afraid to die alone and just begging for someone to reach into the recesses of the male mind and demystify the dating process. Well ladies, here's what I've come up with. You can thank me later:
Don't agree to meet up on an abandon golf course... that's code for murder.
Do make sure to get a copy of his drivers license and passport (duh).
Don't ask about his favorite music, movies or hobbies... you're not Facebook.
Do open up the dialogue with a clever little ice-breaker. Quiz him on his sexual history, the outcome of his most recent STD test or his non-recreational prescription drug use- neurotic IS the new charming.
Don’t discuss the Mondavi wine cartel’s influence on global vinification or any other documentary in your Netflix cue… it’ll give off the impression that you’re bad in bed.
Do bring up Michelle Obama’s arms… it will make him drink more!
Don’t get drunk… on table wine. You’ll wake up with a headache.
Do force him to drink the wine and hold out for the top shelf scotch.
Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend. Just give him a call and let your date say hi, too.
Do compliment your date on obscure facts that you only know because you Google-stalked the shit out of him (like his high school track record, the research paper he wrote in college or his best friend's witty blog).
Don’t get wasted and kiss a girl in front of him... unless she has nice bangs.
Do let him know that you think he's cuter than the girl you both just made out with.
Don't ever offer to pay for anything… dates ARE the new food stamps.
Do perfect the art of reaching for your purse... mimes are hot.
Don't ask him how he thinks the recession is affecting his job security... until after he picks up the check.
Do tell him that you LOVE him… especially if you just want to be friends.