Disney's newest animated feature, which hits theaters December 2009, has already generated a ton of negative buzz around the blogosphere. The Princess and The Frog (originally titled Uncle Tom's Cabin) is Disney's first effort to add a Black heroine to their Princess franchise and the poor unfortunate corporation has already come under attack for the feature's allegedly racist cast of characters.
This is a low blow for Disney, a company that has a long history of breaking new ground with their cultural tolerance and political irreverence. For instance, there was Aurora from Sleeping Beauty, the first cartoon with narcolepsy. Even before that, Snow White was the first children's character to struggle with a debilitating drug addiction. And let's not forget Beauty and the Beast, animation's first love story about paraphilia (google it).

I believe Disney's heart is in the right place with this movie. But if it's not, just forward your remaining criticisms to Oprah (one of Disney's paid "cultural consultants" on the project), who is super accessible via her website at Oprah.com. And let's not forget what's really important here: tapping into the psychographics of insatiable aspiring little princesses everywhere and cashing in on their purchasing power - regardless of size, skin color or socioeconomic background.
The newest doll in American Girl's collection is a Jewish New Yorker, but does that just mean she costs more?
Her name is Rebecca Rubin (so Jewey), not to be confused with the 1993 Camp Canadensis Color War Captain... or the Rebecca Rubin who got a breast reduction on Nip and Tuck... or my cousin's roommate at GW... or the feminist lesbian rabbi who lives on a houseboat in Sausalito, CA. This Jewbecca is the daughter of Russian Jewish immigrants to the United States at the turn of the 20th century... and a Triangle Factory fire burn victim (jk, but in a perfect world).

While I must admit that I have a strained relationship with American Girl (my Refugee Girl parody has yet to materialize into an equally successful franchise), kudos to Mattel for planting the seeds of religious tolerance in the hearts and minds of little blonde consumers around the Midwest. If it weren't for this Jew, those cornfed tweens might have had to wait until college to meet one!

Disclaimer: the following post was prompted by a friend who suggested I depart from my morbid ponderings on serial killers and explore the much more profitable self-help chick-lit genre. Here goes:

Since arriving in New York eight months ago, I've encountered so many successful, smart, single women, who are afraid to die alone and just begging for someone to reach into the recesses of the male mind and demystify the dating process. Well ladies, here's what I've come up with. You can thank me later:

Don't agree to meet up on an abandon golf course... that's code for murder.

Do make sure to get a copy of his drivers license and passport (duh).

Don't ask about his favorite music, movies or hobbies... you're not Facebook. 

Do open up the dialogue with a clever little ice-breaker. Quiz him on his sexual history, the outcome of his most recent STD test or his non-recreational prescription drug use- neurotic IS the new charming.
Don’t discuss the Mondavi wine cartel’s influence on global vinification or any other documentary in your Netflix cue… it’ll give off the impression that you’re bad in bed.

Do bring up Michelle Obama’s arms… it will make him drink more!

Don’t get drunk… on table wine. You’ll wake up with a headache.

Do force him to drink the wine and hold out for the top shelf scotch.

Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend. Just give him a call and let your date say hi, too.

Do compliment your date on obscure facts that you only know because you Google-stalked the shit out of him (like his high school track record, the research paper he wrote in college or his best friend's witty blog).

Don’t get wasted and kiss a girl in front of him... unless she has nice bangs.

Do let him know that you think he's cuter than the girl you both just made out with.

Don't ever offer to pay for anything… dates ARE the new food stamps.

Do perfect the art of reaching for your purse... mimes are hot.

Don't ask him how he thinks the recession is affecting his job security... until after he picks up the check.

Do tell him that you LOVE him… especially if you just want to be friends.
"Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses (of improvised explosive devises) yearning to breathe free" 
Today, the Senate denied $80 million in funds for the Pentagon to effectively close Guantanamo Bay by 2010, citing that Obama's administration has yet to come up with a legit plan for relocating the prison's 240 detainees.

O-team, have you considered Israel? I hear they are quite hospitable to suspected terrorists and have loads of uninhabited land.

Or, how about convincing Washingtonians opposed to rehousing detainees on U.S. soil that Gitmo fugees aren't terrorists at all, but rather REALLY UNLUCKY DUDES caught in the wrong place at the wrong time... like the 2006 Duke Lacrosse team.

And if these political prisoners do happen to harbor even a shred of anti-American sentiment, just convince the Republican haters that they can be effectively rehabilitated... like sex offenders... just so long as they maintain a distance of at least 500 feet from government buildings, public transportation hubs and open air markets.

If all else fails, you could sell them on Gbay!

Today, surveillance cameras caught a Florida man stealing a $1000 palm tree from a gynecologist’s office. In his defense, he didn’t intend to walk out with the plant but his other disguise, creepy man hanging out at the gynecologist’s office, just wasn’t as convincing.

Sarah Palin is working on a deal with The Discovery Channel for a new reality show called “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” Producers anticipate the nature series to be one of the most expensive ever produced, partly because of the extensive special effects, which include a life-size set of Russia that viewers will be able to see from her house.

In local news, an NYPD cop who took part in a botched million-dollar perfume factory heist last month pleaded guilty today. Police first became suspicious of the officer when they DIDN’T notice strange smells coming from his locker.

A recent report by JPMorgan claims that the enhanced unemployment benefits, which were put in place to fight the recession, have actually increased unemployment... almost as much as JP Morgan.

Ever since Avatar appeared in theaters, the internet has been abuzz with fan pages of Avatards trying to decode Na’vi syntax and phonetics. Now if they could just decode how to talk to women.

PETA paid “Octamom” Nadya Suleman $5,000 to put a sign in her front yard that read: "Don't Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter." Suleman placed the PETA sign right in front of the other sign in her yard that read: “Foreclosure.” 

Health experts in London have traced a recent resurgence in the sexually-transmitted disease syphilis to Facebook... while every other STD can be traced to Craigslist.
A fugitive monkey known as the Mysterious Monkey of Tampa Bay has been on the run in Florida for a year and now has over 31,000 Facebook friends, maybe he could run for governor… I mean, if a Bush could do it?
A program in North Carolina is giving teenage girls $1 a day not to get pregnant. Which in two years, will pay for their abortions.
This week, Prince Harry made his first trip to New York, which included a visit to a school in Harlem where he imparted his words of wisdom to students, such as: "don't go to a Halloween party dressed as Hitler."
A new study has found that the air pollution in Madrid and Barcelona is laced with at least five drugs, most prominently cocaine... also in the air, a little Spanish fly.

It was reported that 45 percent more 4 and 5 year olds in New York City tested high enough this year to enter the city's elite academic programs... unavailable to comment was popular New York City sperm donor 4015B.
Because of the recession, many parents of newborns are not having their sons circumcised... making foreskin the one thing in this economy not getting cut.

Actor/Director Woody Allen is suing the clothing company American Apparel for using his image in their billboard ads. Allen said that the clothing company's ads are "sleazy," "adolescent" and "infantile" ...and asked if they need another photographer.
On Wednesday, a new swing set was placed on the White House lawn as a surprise for Malia and Sasha... and because George W. Bush had worn-out the old one.

A recently-divorced woman in Germany called police more than 100 times asking advice on how to find a new husband. Newsflash: He’s just not that into Jew.

As security improves in Baghdad, many wealthy Iraqis are helping the U.S economy by buying American SUVs, which can handle the country’s crumbling roads... it’s the least they can do, considering all we’ve done for them.

A new study shows no correlation between the amount of time children spend watching TV and their development... unless they’re watching Lifetime, which makes even boys get their periods.

This week, President Obama publically embraced the Islamic world – changing his Facebook status from it’s complicated to in an open relationship.
Drew Peterson is the Andy Dick of serial killers.  While Drew has never snuck up behind me and licked my neck at a public function, (Andy actually did that- it was gross- TGI got the Gardasil vaccine) the former Illinois police officer suspected of killing his two wives has garnered tons of national attention for his public antics.
This week, the news media accused Drew of joking around at his court appearance on Friday when, responding to questions on how he was doing, he said:

"Three squares a day and a spiffy outfit." He then held up his handcuffs and joked,

"and I got the bling. Can't complain."

I hate when convicted murderers try to be funny. It's SO awkward!  Hey Drew, did you hear the one about the ex-cop who was acquitted on charges of murder but got life in prison just for having a lame sense of humor? 

Furthermore, a bad sense of humor is a DEAD giveaway for a personality disorder. Just think about John Wayne Gacy, who moonlighted as Pogo the Clown (HACK) when he wasn't killing boys in the basement of his Chicago apartment... or Ted Bundy, who doubled as an unsuccessful prop comic (if you consider arm slings and fake casts) while "taking back the night" (my new euphemism for murdering coeds)  on college campuses.

Come on guys, before you go on your killing sprees, take a comedy class...  

or at least work on your timing!
This week, the increasingly irrelevant U.S. Postal Service raised the price of stamps from 42 to 44 cents (I actually had to google the previous price of stamps, which is something I follow less than my abandoned twitter account).  With the ubiquity of email and bike messengers (those hipster BMs are just too cute with their rolled up skinny jeans, sarcastic moustaches and arm scabs)- who even uses the U.S. Postal Service other than people over 60 and homegrown terrorists?
For anyone seriously upset over this increase, chillax- your social security checks will shoulder the burden. Or, for the incarcerated Ted Kaczynskis among us, because stamps are your closest thing to legal tender (along with cigarettes and viscous saliva) think of this 2 cent hike as strengthening the prison economy. But, I'm sure you knew that Mr. K... and I'm honored that you read my blog!

As far as I'm concerned, raising the price of stamps is just another step in the right direction towards preventing the spread of Anthrax.

Below is a FOX news report behind the scenes of  "Octomom the Musical," a new show that features the only person crazier than Nadya Suleman... the L.A. actress who plays her.

But, why is this publicity stunt creating such a stir in the national news media?
Could it be to divert our attention from some other musicals taking shape?:

Deepening Global Recession the Musical

Civil War in Pakistan the Musical

North Korea's Nuclear Program the Musical

2012 Asteroid the Musical

Right Wing Anti-Obama Militia Movement Brewing in the Southern U.S. the Musical*

*not to be confused with Damn Yankees
One would think that the tragic death of temp worker Jdimytai Damour during a customer stampede at Wal-Mart's Valley Stream outlet in November would be bad for business. I mean, why go to Wal-Mart to buy Grand Theft Auto, when you can just run people over for free?
On Wednesday, some semblance of justice was served as Wal-Mart agreed to pay nearly $2 million USD (10 cents in Wal-Mart money) to improve safety at its New York stores and avoid third degree* trample-murder charges.

* Under current statutes in the United States, murder comes in four varieties: (1st degree) intentional murder (e.g., Menendez Bros); (2nd degree) a killing that resulted from the intent to do serious bodily injury (e.g., probably O.J. Simpson); (3rd degree) a killing that resulted from a depraved heart or extreme recklessness (e.g., Trample-Mart); and (4) murder committed by an accomplice during the commission of, attempt of, or flight from certain felonies (e.g., Rabbi Neulander's murder of his wife and South Jersey Pastry Chef Extraordinaire Carol Neulander).